A cynic’s guide to happiness (how to use it and more)
Do you know what happiness does to a person? It enables you to perform three different mental activities. All three of them, at once. How else would you explain my managing to read a book while listening to music while actively thinking of him? Happiness. Not only did I do all of these, but I was dedicated to each and every one of them. You know those moments when you’re tipsy but not completely wasted, when you’re walking home, feeling your steps are quick and lighter and, when you find yourself lying in bed wondering how it is that only thirty seconds ago you were still at the bar? Well, that’s how I feel about washing dishes lately. Out of nowhere, I see them glistening, tucked under a kitchen cloth and I remain puzzled as to whether I had even touched them. Yes, I see my hands pruning from the time they spent in water and detergent, yet I don’t seem to be holding any memory of actually doing the washing. And you know what did all that? Happiness. What about the moment you catch yourself experiencing selective amnesia and having absolutely no recollection of loves past? Who, me? I’ve never been in love in my entire life. If love were a planet I would be a first generation immigrant. I wonder who should take the fault for this amnesiac state? I think you already know the answer to this one, but no worries, I don’t mind repeating it. It’s happiness. Was that your guess? I figured as much.
Hey, I hope you got the 411, skepticism is out this season. I hear joy and general zest for life are making a huge comeback. They’re something like the new black. New-old black. All the top designers have embraced it, why not be trendy yourself. Oh, how-to you ask? Let me lay it on the line. The next time you start talking to someone and they begin to seem increasingly interesting, you have to keep the conversation alive. You can even (shocker alert) tell the person that you’re having fun, loving the conversation. No, no, do not second guess their intentions, do not get into the gloomy, doubtful ‘does he find me interesting’ general wondering…ment. No goddamnit, you do not want to take the shitty old route that leads straight back to your old patterns. Stay with me here, yes, ok, that’s better. No, they do not have a hidden agenda (or at least I’m pretty sure they don’t, how the hell could I be a 100%, what do you take me for, the magic 8 ball?) Now it is your turn to do something you haven’t done in google years – you’re gonna play this one out, wrap a blanket for safety (yes, that’s the only safety precaution you’re allowed) and hope for survival.
Now, the next step.Oh yes, the issue of real-life chemistry. If you give me a minute I’ll let you in on how this one’s gonna go down. You are going to go and meet up with him, and on the way you are going to get rid of that lovely package that contains the following: vanity, ego, that initial-over-the-top-sarcasm you recently got trademarked, disbelief, insecurities, and the whole spectrum of features that can be grouped together as ‘pfff’ and those include that eye roll you’re giving me right now. Cut it out. You are going to smile, get your loveliest piece of attire and put it over your bare skin. Now that you are dressed in the wonderful persona you are, you walk out that door. When you spot him, and get close enough, a breezy ‘hi’ would make for a wonderful starter, followed by whatever comes naturally. If all goes as nice movies have nurtured us to believe, and he goes for the kiss, you kiss him back (if that’s what you want too). And then the curtain drops..
If, however, the chemistry thing fails miserably, how to do damage control? You take your ass home, play whichever kind of music you want, as loud as you can (as loud as the neighbours allow). And you dance. And you obsess over it for the remainder of the night. Be done by sunrise.
